Welcome and Setup

Jody Brooks 0:00

You look at the part, composed, dependable, every wing ticks off the list, but underneath the same question keeps coming back. Am I enough? You've learned to perform confident so well that nobody sees it. And the silence around what is really going on inside, that silence is the problem. Men and women in midlife are not falling apart, they're carrying too much alone in the dark, and that stops today. This is messy midlife, it's not a crisis, it's a calling to connect. And in week two, we're naming the inner voices that run the court. George Hub spent 18 years in corporate leadership, looking like he had it together. Well, his question, Am I enough? And the self-doubt never stopped. He now helps men understand that those patterns are not a character flaw, they are encoded, and encoded means changeable. Welcome to the show, George, and thank you for connecting.

George Harb 1:01

Thanks, Jody. I want to say that I'm very excited and I'm very honoured to be on your past podcast, and I'm really looking forward to having this conversation. So thank you for inviting me along, and yeah, we're gonna have a really awesome conversation.

Jody Brooks 1:16

I'm really looking forward to it as well. And there are so many bits in your profile about people not being broken and about neuroencoding and rewiring your brain, which I know we're gonna do in the second half of the show. But the first half, as always, and I know there is because we've chatted before. George, tell us about your messy middle moment that you experienced.

Corporate Masking Begins

George Harb 1:42

I was in corporate leadership for 18 years, and for a very long time, being a leader, I was someone who looked confident and who looked like I had it all together. I was the person whose career was progressing, I was respected, I was dependable, I was always calm, composed, but inside I was carrying so much internal noise. And one question that followed me for a big chunk of my corporate career am I enough? And my inner self-talk, you know, was really negative about myself. I was someone who became very good at performing confidence. Okay, and I'd achieve success, I'd win, I'd get promoted, whatever it was, and there was always that feeling that popped up. When is this gonna be enough? And I'd achieve, hit deadlines, I'd do good work, I'd get positive feedback, and I'd get these short bursts of happiness and fulfillment, and then that silent ache underneath would and I'd be asking myself, when is this gonna feel enough? Then I'd chase and I was filled with all this noise and limiting

Mirror Moment Realization

George Harb 3:04

beliefs. And I remember there was one morning before going to work, I was dressed up in my suit, in my tie, and I remember this moment quite clearly. And I was looking at myself, not the person that was wearing the tie, not the person that I was showing to the world or to my colleagues. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't recognize the person that was looking back at me, not because he had changed, but because I had been pretending for so long and performing confidence that the person in front of me, the real me, felt very unfamiliar. And you know, I had that realization, and over time, that internal noise, that internal chatter, that performing confidence, holding it together, it starts to build and starts to build and starts to build. And I had that moment, but even after that moment, because I was a winner and I was successful, I kept pushing. And over time, my eyes started to get impacted. My body, I was low and lethargic, I was getting gut issues, and all the and I was always tired, I was just tired and not present, and it was impacting all parts of my life. Remember relationships and all those sorts of things. My energy was zapped, right? And this was a buildup over so many years, and I became very good at looking okay, at performing confidence. And the problem with that is when you do it for so long, right, you start to become very good at it.

Breaking Point in Bed

George Harb 4:41

And it was one night where I don't know what triggered it, but I was sitting in bed and I was looking up, and I had this, my chest was really tight, and it felt like something was sitting, like something heavy was on my chest. And I remember sitting there and I was looking up at the ceiling and I was frustrated, but I was also embarrassed because on paper I wasn't failing, I was successful. Externally, George was the man, George was the reliable one. It was so hard to admit that there was something wrong with me because I was that strong one, and it was that night that I would say changed my life because for the very first time I thought to myself, what if I'm not broken? What if this is just how I've been conditioned? And that's when I got really involved in personal development, and I started the journey and I started working with the very best mentors. I started to do the inner work, I started to change the way that I thought about myself,

Reconditioning for Peace

George Harb 5:38

I started to use different tools, strategies, and processes to slow down my mind and my nervous system so I'm not always in survival mode. And after doing the work, and after doing the work consistently, I started to recondition my mind and I started to recondition my nervous system and mitigating those unresourceful thoughts, emotions, those limiting beliefs, and creating a new identity. And over time, I would say I started to find peace. Not because the world was easy, but having done all that work and having removed all that noise and those limiting beliefs and chatter and creating that new identity, I started to build clarity in who I was and what I stand for, and I had a really, really strong identity, and that's when life changed. Life's not easy. We all have challenges to this very day. I have challenges. And I'm always able, when things pop up that are a challenge, I'm always able to default to a place of certainty, a place of optimism that everything's going to be okay, that I'm going to be okay, and I'm able to move further and faster. And that's what I mean by internal freedom. The George of the old was the guy that was performing confidence, but inside was broken. Like I felt broken and I didn't know how to get out of it. And it was internal noise and pain. George now is free. I'm calm, composed. I've got an unshakable identity. I no longer need other people's validations to tell me that I'm enough because I know I'm enough. And that is basically my journey. The messy moment was that night in bed, and I'm grateful for that night because it took me a very long time to admit to myself that I needed help. But it was that night where I had that night in bed, and yeah, that was the night that I started to ask myself different questions. I started to take action to change me. And having been in corporate for a very long time, very good at leading

Mission Nobody's Broken

George Harb 7:59

people, and now I've got this skill in helping people program themselves to default to their best thoughts, emotions, and behavior to remove that internal noise, those thoughts, those emotions, those unfull, those limiting beliefs, and to create an unshakable identity. And having been through it, having been successful and seen light at the end of the tunnel and reconditioning myself, my mission and vision now is to help everyday Australians and people around the world. Because the one thing I learned was nobody's broken, no one's broken. We've all been conditioned. And when people are in a tough spot and feeling bad, it's because this has happened over many many years. And the one thing I know from myself and working with other people, you can't change the past. People have challenges, people are going through tough times, and I get it, and they're the facts. And there's always light at the end of the tunnel. And my job now for the next 10, 20, 30 years is to have an impact and help a lot of people free themselves because that freedom, you know, I was earning good money, I was on a good wicket, I was I had a great job, that was all good, but that pain was it was tremendous. And now that the freedom that I've got, you can't put put money on it, it's just invaluable. And yeah, that's my story in a nutshell.

Why Asking Help Is Hard

Jody Brooks 9:35

You say that the external confidence. Did you find that the worse you felt inside, the more you portrayed this external confidence to compensate for how you were really feeling? And did that make it hard then to voice or ask for help?

George Harb 9:57

Yes, it did. It got worse because as the pain built, I was feeling even worse and worse because I didn't know how to get out of it at the time. You know, or thinking negative thoughts, and I didn't know how to get out of it, and it just became harder and harder. And that's why that's over time it started impacting me in all areas of my life, my health, my family. I was at present in moments because I was always overthinking, I was always preparing for the next conversation. It was just, it was extreme internal noise, and it became harder and harder, and it got to a point where that night, I believe, was God helping me, and the pain had built so much and had so much leverage. And I said to myself, I remember I said to myself, I can't keep surviving my life. I said that to myself that night, and that's when I switched into proactive mode and started getting into the personal development space and started to do the work and started to do it the work consistently in learning and and yeah, and that's when things

Conditioning and Masculinity

George Harb 11:01

changed for me.

Jody Brooks 11:02

You said there quite a few times as well about this conditioning. Can you expand on what you mean by this conditioning? And is it a part of almost that coping strategy that you had of this external confidence? Is something that we're all, particularly maybe as men, conditioned to do as a coping strategy that actually impacts the problem?

George Harb 11:27

Yeah, because as men sometimes where we've been taught that being a male means being strong, not showing weakness, powering through, and all those sorts of things. And externally I was successful on paper, I was doing all the right things, and people were praising me, and I was getting promotions and acknowledgement. And part of me also didn't want to show weakness, and that's why you would keep performing, and I could turn up and I could deliver a presentation. But I remember I would do these things and I'd deliver present and I'd get really good feedback, but there would be so much internal noise before these presentations, and it was just straining, and I didn't want to show weakness, I didn't want to show vulnerability in all those sorts of things. So you can't just you bottle it in and you don't talk to people and you try to resolve it. And at the time, I'll be honest, I didn't have proper tools, strategies, and processes to help me. So it was just kind of building and building until the pain had become so much, and I said to myself, that's it. And that's when I started to take things into my own hands, started to be really proactive about my development and surrounding myself around the very best people, you know, the very best tools, strategies, and processes. And I started using them, and yeah, and it was just I was just always in these patterns. Yeah, it was just every day was the same. Every day was the same at work, and yeah, I'm so grateful for that day because yeah, things shifted when you look at the past Georgia, the new George, and the different it's just that internal freedom is invaluable. That that clarity, that confidence, where not relying on other people and just having that unshakable confidence, and you can't put a dollar on that, that that's invaluable, and that's a freedom that I want to give people because I know a lot of people are stuck and they've got that internal noise and they're holding things together, and uh, they've got all this self-doubt because when you are able to recondition your mind and nervous system and remove that noise, that that negative chatter, and to create an unshakable identity, you start to think and feel differently, you actually start to live better, you start to have more success in your life, you start to perform better, and all those sorts of things.

Jody Brooks 13:53

You've mentioned identity a couple of times there. And would you say that then your identity was something that was very external to you rather than being something I was watching your body language as you're talking, and when you talk about old George, your hands are out as though like it's something away from you, and when you talk about now, you do all the classics as a coach that we see is you place your hand on your heart over your chest, and you talk about George now. So, was part of that pain the fact that your identity was actually outside of you? Absolutely, and that coping strategy was to continue building your identity outside of yourself rather than inside of yourself. Correct.

George Harb 14:38

Absolutely correct.

Jody Brooks 14:39

I was thinking as well when you were talking about that moment of lying in bed that night and the pain being so severe, and thankfully whatever it was that shifted that evening shifted. But was there a realization in that moment that all the things that you were doing to try and stop the pain were actually causing it? Was that the first time that you laid there and went, okay, actually I think the problem is all the things that I'm trying to do to fix it?

George Harb 15:11

Yes, yeah, absolutely.

First Steps After Shift

Jody Brooks 15:13

So on the back of that, I would love to know what was the first thing you did the next morning? What was the first difference that you did the next morning?

George Harb 15:23

I started doing a bit of research in personal development and finding mentors. I started buying books and programs, and I just really started getting into personal development. That was and the most beautiful thing about it is I'm a nerd now for personal development. So that kind of kicked me into gear to start personal development and help make the necessary changes. But yeah, I just started just finding people, started reading, started going to seminars, reading books, and then I obviously over time I started doing accreditations, different types of uh accreditations, NLP, all those sorts of things, neuroencoding and learning the very best tools, strategies, and processes. And yeah, and I started to use those tools. Uh, and I always say, physician, help thyself. Everything that I do is I don't teach people things that I haven't done and that I don't really do to this very day. I don't teach theory, and that's why when I coach people and help people, it brings me joy, and I know I can help people because they're the very best tools, strategies, and processes, and I've done them all myself and I use it to this very day, so I know they work. Yeah, and I just that's how we all started. Like it was that night, and just became a nerd for personal development. And I was always someone who was really determined to do well and hungry for success. I'd read things and I'd do the work. I'd do, I'd do the exercises, I'd I'd do what people told me to do. And over time I just started to, as you do, when you do many things, you have a lot of skills, and then from all of that, you've got a handful of tools that you use and you give to clients and those sorts of things. But yeah, it was basically that night I changed everything. It was awesome. It was awesome.

Jody Brooks 17:16

Getting up the next morning, was it just the fact that you'd A admitted the problem and B decided you were gonna make a change? Did it really just shift in that moment enough that you weren't running from it anymore? That you'd gone, okay, this is the deal. Now I need to do things differently.

George Harb 17:36

Yeah, it was a build-up of unbelievable pain. And I had I said to myself, that's it, it needs to change because it was getting bad. It was getting bad. And I was having a lot of anxiety and all that sort of stuff, and it got bad. There was so much leverage where I just said had enough.

Jody Brooks 17:58

You uh speak to it there as well,

Silent Journey and Advocacy

Jody Brooks 18:00

and I know that you do a lot in your work around men's mental health. I'm interested to know who was the first person that you shared how you were feeling with, or was this still because of that coding and that weakness, was it still a journey that you did mainly by yourself, or was there someone that you turned around and said this is the real deal?

George Harb 18:22

I'll be honest, it was a silent journey even after the realization for a long time. So it was just still me doing the work on me and not asking other people for some help.

Jody Brooks 18:36

Because I know you're passionate about men's mental health now, and obviously, I would make the assumption that from that journey you talk about how painful it was, and it really is any of the listeners out there listening. I think you've got two guys here that totally understand that's a physical pain. Yes, it is emotional, but it feels like a physical pain. Is part of your passion for men's mental health now because you would have liked to have been in a position where you felt you could get up the next morning and say to someone, This is actually what's going on.

George Harb 19:10

Absolutely, because that silent pressure that built over time is not nice and it's very painful. And the quicker you become a leader, and what I mean by leader is when you're going through challenges, the strength to speak up and be vulnerable and ask for help, that's what I call a leader, and that's when your life changes, and not letting it drag out and drag out because a lot of people do that because us as men, as I said, we don't show weakness, we don't show we're not we we need to push through and all those sorts of things. Yeah, absolutely. I'm an advocate now and encouraging people to speak up and also getting help because when they do that, that's when if things start to happen.

Jody Brooks 19:56

So, new George now, George now, what would your advice be to old George that morning, that next morning, where you woke up and you'd identified that you needed to change. What would your advice be now in that moment to old George that got up that morning?

George Harb 20:18

I'd probably say you're silly for leaving it this long, George. My advice would be probably say to old George, it's great that you've acknowledged that you've got a problem, you've got a challenge, and that you're gonna take ownership of that. And probably the other bit of advice is that you probably left it a bit too long, and strength is being able to speak up and ask for help when you need it, and you probably should have done that a lot earlier rather than let it build and build. You got there in the end, but the journey could have been a lot smoother had I got support earlier. So that's probably the two bits of feedback I would have given old George.

Language to Ask Help

Jody Brooks 21:00

You touched on something there as well, that I think often as well, people maybe don't have the language or the vocabulary to express how they're feeling in that moment. Going back now, do you feel that you would now be able to phrase asking for help easier? Because I think there's a huge part of people not being able to ask for help because they don't have the language to say I need help.

George Harb 21:28

Yeah, 100%.

Jody Brooks 21:29

And so, what essentially would be your advice to anyone who's feeling that bad? What language, what sentence, how to phrase that sentence of I need help?

George Harb 21:44

It could be as simple as you just said that right now, Jody. Just reaching out to someone and having a simple conversation. I need a bit of help.

Jody Brooks 21:53

I always say the hardest thing you'll ever have to do is say that sentence. The moment you've said it, after that, again. gets easy.

George Harb 22:00

Yeah, yeah. And that that was that's but that's 100% the moment you say it, life becomes easier. And it's be life becomes a lot tougher and a lot harder when you don't say it. And that's what I realized too. When I had that conversation with myself and I took action, that's when everything changed, but yeah just no one's perfect. We're all human and we all go through challenges. Every single person does. And people come from different backgrounds and yeah when I reflect back now somewhat call myself a bit stupid because everyone everyone goes through things and yeah when you if you're going through a bit of a challenge and you're going through a rough spot you should absolutely you know leadership is when you speak up and you take you take ownership and you take action to be that better person so you can keep moving forward and that's true leadership.

Leadership Listen and Support

Jody Brooks 22:53

You have mentioned leadership quite a few times and I can't help but while I'm listening to you it's like you talk about it in a slightly almost in a double context in this actually there's an element of leading yourself in it as opposed to just leading the people outside you. Is that part of also what you mean is that you need to show up for yourself, take ownership for yourself and lead yourself first before you lead others.

George Harb 23:20

Absolutely absolutely own leading yourself and then taking ownership of that and doing the good times things are rosy and that that's awesome but when it's tough and you're going through a challenge leadership is about acknowledging it awareness right and if you can't make the change or you need some support having that conversation with a friend or going to an expert or or someone and having that honest conversation I'm not feeling right these are some of my challenges can you please help me and that is leadership.

Jody Brooks 23:56

I'm gonna ask you a the flip side of that question now. As a leader if you're in the corporate world and you're a leader of others what should your response be if someone is brave enough to come to you as their leader and say I need help acknowledge and praise them and then any good leader you know is then accountable to in ensuring that person gets the right level of attention gets the right level of help and make sure that person is looked after. It's funny I think as well one of the things that I say around that is when someone asks you for help it doesn't mean that they expect you to fix the problem but they just expect you to listen to what it is. Listen. And I think a lot of people panic when someone says I need help because they're like they feel that the onus is on them to fix it and I always just say the onus is to listen. That's it. It's as simple as that it's just listen.

Enough and Inner Confidence

Jody Brooks 24:54

We are rapidly heading towards the end of the first half but there was a couple of things that you said earlier on and it resonated with me because it was a sentence that I actually used at one of my pivotal points when you talked about being enough and I remember being in a situation where I actually turned around and said to someone I am enough and if I'm not enough for you that's on you. But going back to that thing where you said needing to be enough or feeling you were enough what's that major difference now between old George and New George so old George would have based being enough on what and New George bases it on what?

George Harb 25:44

Old George was basing on other people's validation this George this George I would say I'm no longer reliant on other people's validation I've got standards and I assess myself based on my values and standards and that's probably the difference. Before I was more externally focused so externally I rely on other people's opinions and feedback to validate me as a person or validate my identity whereas now I've got a strong identity yeah that's how I probably answer that. Confidence would you say that there is two types of confidence there is confidence and then inner confidence and how do you tell the difference between the two so I'll give you an example of of what that could look like old George right be going into a presentation I'd have some sort of pitch and I'd have all this self-doubt and I'd be saying what if these people judge

Real Confidence Shift

George Harb 26:50

me what if they think I'm I've done a poor job what if they think I'm silly all those things would be going through my head that was the old George because I was relying on other people and that was me just confidence I could get up and I've got a loud voice and I could deliver a presentation and people would say oh you did a good job so that was fake confidence I'm gonna call it because real confidence is when you've got clarity when I could go up right and when I'm delivering a presentation or something I'm all about how I'm gonna help these people how I'm gonna create an impact I'm gonna do a great job I'm gonna help these people and it was just another way of thinking and that's real confidence. Real confidence is when you've got internal peace you've got a strong identity and you've got clarity in who you are and what you stand for and you're not relying on other opinions people's opinion and that inner peace and that clarity that's

Confidence vs Competence

George Harb 27:47

real confidence.

Jody Brooks 27:48

I always say that there's a very big difference between confidence and competence and quite often people use confidence to cover up a lack of competence and competence. Yeah and and I think we've all sat when I was in the corporate world as you were talking then I remember the amount of times that I heard the phrase they seem quite confident and I've just as you were talking then thinking oh my god yeah that I actually when I think about it now it's a room full of people going in like desperately trying to pull it off and be confident and externally and when I think about myself I know full I've gone in to do presentations and to exert that confidence I've been full of energy and delivering delivering delivering and I look back now and I'm like they were dreadful they were actually they weren't they came across as okay and people would have said it but when I really reflect on it yeah I wasn't present wasn't in a confidence it

Messy Middle Reflections

Jody Brooks 28:46

was yeah ticking the boxes for that external confidence. Before we take a little break and move to the second half of the show which I'm excited for is there anything in that messy middle that we haven't unpacked or that I haven't shone a light on that you think's important for the listeners to pick it out on how it feels to be in that messy middle moment? No I think we've covered everything and you've asked some really good questions to unpackage some of those important moments I know I think that's I think you've covered my things mate oh I think there was a lot in there and as I'm sat here now just thinking back through that conversation the bits that stood out for me were the weight of this pain that the things that you were trying to do to fix the pain were the things that were causing it that moment of realisation and just having the realization and understanding that empowered you to get up and take action the next day that I think there are a lot of people out there silently suffering and the really to speak up and to voice that and there is a huge amount about owning your identity and knowing your identity that kind of came out of it all. We will take a short little break while you listen to this advert and we'll be back after this where we're going to unpack what George does now and his phrase of you're not broken and neuroencoding and how you move that forward.

George Harb 30:25

Most people try to change their life using willpower and motivation I show them how to change the programming behind their behaviour using the very best tools grounded in neuroscience that create rapid and lasting change. If you'd like a no pressure conversation you can book a Cloudy call through my website.

Jody Brooks 30:46

You can follow me on my social channels which will also be provided

Neuro Encoding Explained

Jody Brooks 30:51

welcome back messy midlifers before the break George was unpacking his messy midlife and we discussed around how silence keeps many of us trapped particularly men in a messy midlife with this external weight and external confidence that often leaves people feeling broken. And George who's a self-confessed self-help nerd I can say that because I'm one too but he confessed to being a nerd when it came to personal development has gone on a massive journey driven by wanting to improve himself and his personal development but now also to break that silence on men's health and for others and so now works as a coach empowering people to their best selves around neuroencoding.

George Harb 31:52

So George for someone who is hearing the word neuroencoding for the first time can you explain exactly what it means to us yeah so neuroencoding is intentionally programming yourself to default so you can automatically default to your best thoughts emotions and behavior so it's about identifying those unresourceful emotions and patterns which are holding you back which are keeping you stuck in life and to mitigate and what mitigate means is to reduce or eliminate those unresourceful thoughts emotions behaviors limiting beliefs whatever they are and replacing them with things which are more resourceful and conditioning it so it becomes automatic. Neuroencoding is essentially programming yourself to think differently so you can feel differently so you can perform better and get better results because everything is mechanical and the way we function I'm gonna keep it very simple it think feel do have whatever think whatever you're thinking is going to cause you to feel a certain way whatever you feel is going to cause you to do something in a certain way and whatever you do is going to produce a role so if you're if you've got self-doubt if you've got limiting beliefs if you've got trauma if you're think if you're thinking crappy thoughts and that's your default you're not gonna feel your heart's gonna feel that way and if you're feeling that way you're not gonna perform well and if you don't perform you're not gonna get the results that you want and it's not only the thinking when you're thinking negative thoughts when you're thinking crappy thoughts and you know this Jody your brain is telling your body to release those cortisol adrenaline all those nasty chemicals which aren't good for you. When you've got a strong identity when you're optimistic when you're having funy you're going to feel and your body is releasing dopamine endorphins oxytocin all the chemicals that make you feel good you've got more electricity running through your body when you if you're feeling better you're gonna perform better and you're gonna get better results in your way so neuroencoding is helping people intentionally through specific processes in neuroscience grounding neurons to think differently about themselves so that could feel different so that could feel better they could perform better and get better results.

Jody Brooks 34:29

I was just as you were talking then I was reminded obviously of the phrase I think therefore I am and how powerful that is is that as you're explaining it there is obviously as a coach I said to people those thoughts they are what you need to really keep a check on those thoughts because those thoughts become

Toxic Ten Patterns

Jody Brooks 34:51

reality what going back to like when you work with men now or people experiencing this what would you say are like three key signs that somebody maybe has got their neuron coding off that you know that this is really what the problem is what would be the three key signs that there is this negative talk going on there could be self-doubt there could be imposter syndrome imposter syndrome self-doubt not feeling enough if they've got any sort of trauma from the past they've got negative memories all those sorts of things are the things that hold people back and keep them stuck in life and I yeah and they're the things that kind of pause people we call them the toxic 10 the 10 things that stop all people from achieving what they want in their life the success in their life procrastination hesitation fear of failure fear of success self-doubt self-loathing imposter syndrome stress overwhelm fear of rejection they're the things they're the toxic 10s and they're the things that stop most people from achieving their dreams goals and desires and when you talk to people every single person is different but if you look at it generally a lot of people they're the they're they're the 10 main things that stop people from being the success that they want in their life and working with people to understand what are the things that are holding them back what are the thoughts what are the emotions and then interrupting those and replacing them with better thoughts better emotions and then doing that and conditioning it so then that becomes your default.

George Harb 36:40

Yeah you default to good thoughts and emotions so you're feeling good you're performing better you're getting better results and it doesn't mean that you're perfect there's there's no fearless people every single person experiences fear but there are people that less that spend less time in those emotions when things become a challenge or when they do go into those emotions they're able to that they've built what you call certainty optimism where you know everything's gonna be okay I'm gonna be away and you keep moving further and faster so it's about reducing the amount of time that you spend in those unresourceful emotions and being able to snap out of it pretty quickly and keep moving forward and that's what my work centers around.

Imposter vs Self Doubt

Jody Brooks 37:30

The something that's come up a couple of times and it came up in the first half and I'm interested to know you talk about imposter syndrome and self-doubt are they two different things or are they one and the same?

George Harb 37:46

I would say they're very similar. It's a lack of confidence and for both of them your the way I describe self-doubt it's a lack of confidence and your inner self-talk is your biggest critic and the self-talk is it's not supportive it's denigrative and it's pointing out what's negative and when you've got self-doubt that inner you're having that inner conversation with yourself that inner self-talk is negative and that yeah and imposter is the same thing you know the fear that other people may not think you're as good as you think you are so for me it's the same thing it's self-doubt imposter scenario it's a lack of confidence and it's basically something it's basically you've taken something from the past like a significant and what causes it in a nutshell is you've taken something from the past a significant emotional event it could be trauma it could be a negative experience that you remember or you don't remember you've attached it to your current identity and you're projecting it into the future and that's what causes you self-doubt so to answer your question Jody imposter student self-doubt it's a lack of confidence and it's about identifying those things that are causing it right and mitigating that feeling because it's a feeling because it's a thought you're thinking something and it's causing a feeling so it's identifying those those thoughts that are causing it and mitigating and reducing those right so you're not feeling as bad and that's the work that I do.

Interrupt Reframe Celebrate

Jody Brooks 39:22

So how do we I know for a lot of people that negative talk those voices that say you're not worthy you're not clever enough you can't do this what is the first step to dealing with that because quite often when I've worked with people and get it all the time that they get pretty powerful and pretty loud and so how do you deal with that negative self-talk? How can you reframe it?

George Harb 39:52

You need to interrupt the pattern. Most human beings have three main beliefs what do I believe about myself what do I believe about other people and what do I believe about the world around me and the number one belief that determines how far you'll go in life and how successful you are in life is your opinion of yourself how you describe yourself your belief about who you are and what you're capable of. And if you don't have a high opinion of yourself you're not going to feel as good as you could as a result you're not going to perform as good as you could and as a result you're not gonna get the result as good as you could. So the number one thing is working with someone to help them create positive self-talk to help them create a new identity and a new belief in embedding that into their nervous system. That is the number one thing okay so you can start to create a new belief a new identity and put that into your and put that into your nervous system and then all these limiting beliefs all the negative self-talk all those beliefs that you have those limiting beliefs you need to address those also and there's different processes in neuroscience but the fundamental principle of these processes is awareness interrupting those patterns and having specific processes to interrupt those patterns reframing doing something which is going to get you a better outcome and so you can condition yourself. So for example if you're in a situation where you're before a presentation and you've got a bit of self-doubt and you've got that really bad feeling it's interrupting that pattern in real time and then saying something positive. Doing some positive self-talk saying an identity statement whatever it is to change how you're feeling and then celebrating and what the celebration does is when you catch yourself in an unresourceful thought or pattern when you catch yourself and you do something about it and you do something which is resourceful or you say something which is resourceful and you praise yourself and when I say praise yourself it's getting silly patting yourself on the back shaking your ass all those sorts of things I know it sounds silly but when you do that your brain releases dopamine the feel good chemicals and your brain says what just happened before then I just caught myself let's do it more and more and the number one thing that will determine how far you you're going up is celebration. So it's we're in that unresourceful state awareness interrupting it replacing it with something which is resourceful and celebrate and it's not going to change overnight but the more you do that and the more you celebrate you are going to start to create new neural pathways in your mind and you and that is how you are intentionally programming yourself to default to your bad thoughts that's how you're gonna mitigate and reduce those patterns by interrupting them replacing them celebrating and I know it's it sounds easy but it's easy you just got to do the work it doesn't change overnight because everyone's been conditioned over years and years and years over a lifetime. So all these unresourceful thoughts emotions feelings that are cropping up they're gonna take some time to to get rid of and that's why we've got specific processes where I get people to intentionally go into those states or make themselves feel bad so we can interrupt the pattern replace it and celebrate and we do that over and over again proactively to very soon those patterns mitigating or eliminated because sometimes the challenge is self doubt or those unresourceful emotions come out at the worst possible time right and they're really tough to handle so what we do what I do is I get people to do the inner work at home so I'll get them to specific processes go into Those states deliberately in the comfort of their own home where they feel unresourcedful, and I get them to think and feel those emotions, and then I get them to interrupt those patterns through processes, replace them with something which is more resourceful, and celebrate. And they do that in their own time, in their personal space. And what happens, that's when you start to mitigate those and you start to condition your nervous system that when something shows up, you start to catch yourself going into those unresourceful emotions, and that's the power of the work that

Rewiring Takes Practice

George Harb 44:31

I do.

Jody Brooks 44:31

Amazing. So in this process of recoding, rewiring, how much do you have to repeat it before you really start to see the impact?

George Harb 44:43

Depends on the individual and how disciplined they are. But I generally believe that if someone's going through some challenges and they do the work, and the work's not hard, the processes are all simple, effective, they're practical, they're fun, but you need to do them consistently. You've got to do the work. It's I won't put a time frame, but when you start to use the tools and strategies and you start doing the work, you will start to see shifts and you will see positive improvement and you'll start to feel better and you'll start to perform better, but you're just gonna be using them consistently. I'll be honest, Jody. The tools that I give my clients are the tools that I still use to this very day. Most days I still apply the tools, I still do my identity statements whenever I've got unresourceful thoughts, feelings that pop out when things pop up that I haven't experienced. I'll get to work on them through the processes, and I still use the tools on myself every single day because we're human and no one's perfect, and no one will ever be perfect, and that's the daily conditioning that you need to do to stay on top of your game.

Jody Brooks 46:05

It's funny because I do as well. The tools that from my nine principles that I created, the things that I do, I still use all of them myself. But I always think it's funny. I don't know whether you find it the same. Clients are shocked that you actually do that. I know it worked because I used it. I journal every day, I meditate, I do all the things I ask you to do.

Modern Strength Vulnerability

Jody Brooks 46:27

There was something that came up in the first half of the show that I want to unpick a bit now about probably two questions about what does it mean? What is a modern version of strength for men? And what does it mean to be able to show your vulnerability? Because they were two things in the first half of the show that you said really didn't exist. So positively, how now can we reframe strength and what it means to be vulnerable?

George Harb 47:04

Strength is just being brave enough and having the confidence and to reach out to someone, to reach out to a friend, and to have that conversation if you need help. So that is that is strength. It's strength is if you need to be vulnerable, if you need self-support, it's just having that confidence and not fearing that you're going to be judged and getting the necessary help so you can make the changes in your life. And that's strength. That's power. That is power. We're humans and we're always developing and we're getting better, and we need to work on ourselves, and that's strength. Like, just if you're in a if you're in a rot and you're going through a tough period and you don't know how to get out of yourself, it's just being comfortable and not being afraid of being judged, to reach out to someone or reach out to a few people, and just even if having a conversation or sharing what's on your mind or asking for help, whatever it is, that is strength.

Jody Brooks 48:09

Do you think it's that we when we hear the word strength, we think about it in a physical term, whereas really what we're talking about is emotional strength and we don't see them differently.

George Harb 48:22

Yeah, correct. Because a lot of yeah, because that emotional strength, that's uh that's the part that holds people back because they bottle things in and they soldier through and they hold themselves together, and that's not and that's not strength. That's you know, that's that's weakness because you're not because you're not taking ownership, you're not whereas when you speak up or you have that conversation or you seek help and you better yourself, that's strength.

Jody Brooks 48:53

What would you say are the key most important skills or parts of emotional strength? What is the emotional strength, the skills that people need to work on in their emotional strength that enable them to hit their peak performance and achieve what they want to?

George Harb 49:12

Getting help is number one because if you're struggling and you need help, you need to ask for help. Otherwise, you're gonna stay the same or you're gonna stay doing the same things. So that's number one, getting help. The second thing is having a really strong identity and a strong belief about yourself. That's not a physical thing, that's an emotional, and just being really confident in you are in who you are, having a really strong and unshakable identity that's gonna help you in life, and that's gonna help you go further and faster when you've got that strong belief about yourself and what you're capable of.

Jody Brooks 49:49

I'm gonna throw the third one in for you because the second part of my question was vulnerability, and I suppose it's tied into asking for help, but again, you know, we hear this word an awful lot at the moment. There's this huge drive. I sometimes get slightly annoyed when I hear about people talking about vulnerability, and I feel like it's become a shiny value on a poster on a wall, and it's empty. And I think there's a huge difference between being able to be vulnerable and being made to feel vulnerable. And I believe that there is a huge drive in the corporate world at the moment where people are being forced to feel vulnerable rather than it being a choice themselves. It's become very much a buzzword. Let's all be vulnerable. I had a horrendous experience myself on a group training day where the whole room ended up in tears, and at the end, we were supposed to be grateful because we'd all got closer because we'd exposed so much of ourselves, and I just was like, that was possibly the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced, ever. But how do we show up with vulnerability and not essentially feel vulnerable? Because I think they're different things.

George Harb 51:13

It's just when when you're going through a tough period and you're going through some challenges, it's just being vulnerable and being comfortable within yourself to speak to people or to seek support before it gets to a point where you are exposed. It's just being proactive about your own development and speaking up, not waiting and not letting it build till it gets to a point where you break down or you you feel that they've someone's made you vulnerable. It's that proactive nature and not waiting till you're put in that position, and it's you acknowledging it as soon as it shows up and asking for help, speaking to someone. Yeah, that's I love that. How I'd respond to that.

Jody Brooks 52:02

No, I love when you say there about proactive, because I think that's the thing is showing up with vulnerability before you end up in a position where you are vulnerable. Because if you don't show up with vulnerability, you will end up in a position where you are vulnerable, like you say there, where you'll break, where you'll snap, where you'll do all of those things, and so I think that is important, and probably the key thing is asking for help is how you show up with vulnerability.

George Harb 52:32

100%.

Reach Out and Closing Seed

Jody Brooks 52:33

I just glanced at the clock and was like, oh my god, I rapidly need to take us towards the finish line. Is there anything in that second half with neuron encoding? It's been a great conversation about breaking those habits, that self-talk. Is there anything in that section that I haven't shone a light on or that you really do want to give time to to the listeners?

George Harb 52:58

No, I think we've covered most things. If the listeners have any questions that could reach out, but I think we've covered the most part.

Jody Brooks 53:05

That's my next question. You're stealing the show now, George. I'm sure there are listeners who would want to connect, maybe have a question, maybe just want to send that email that says I need help. How is it best for them to reach out and start a conversation with you?

George Harb 53:24

Yeah, so people can reach out through my website that could book a clarity call. There's also social media on all channels: LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok. I'll share those details with yourself, Jody. I produce a lot of content every day. So you can reach me through my social channels or you can reach me through my website. They're probably the two best ways.

Jody Brooks 53:46

Perfect. I will make sure all of that is in the show notes below. So you can scroll down just before you leave us a review for the show, funnily enough. Then you can click on the links and get in touch with George directly. As always, my final question, George. If you could plant a seed in the mind of the listeners that would grow and bear fruit over time, what would that seed be?

George Harb 54:15

I would say if you're going through a tough period and you're going through a challenge and you're in some sort of pain, that feeling is real, and we can't change what has happened in the past. The one thing I do know is no matter how tough of a life someone has, if they're willing to step up, ask for help, and do the work, you can change your life, and you can change your life for the better. And my greatest piece of advice, and something I wish I had done earlier, is not bottling everything in and just when I went through those challenges and the struggles, speaking up and getting help a lot earlier because you do that, you somewhat feel liberated, but then all you can get the right level of support, you can get help, and you can change the projectory of your life because that's just the way we operate. And yeah, so I think I've rambled on there for a bit, but I think the fundamental message is if you're in a tough place, my greatest bit of coaching is to ask for support because when you do that and you get the right level of support from the right people, you will change your life, and that's probably my best piece of advice.

Jody Brooks 55:40

Great stuff and uh very sound piece of advice. George, I know it's late where you are, so thank you so much for jumping on this episode with me today. I've thoroughly enjoyed the conversation, it's been incredibly thought-provoking.

George Harb 55:55

Yeah, and I've enjoyed the conversation also. Um, you're you're an awesome host. I've really enjoyed it, it's a really important conversation. Um, so yeah, I just wanted to thank you for giving me the opportunity to have this conversation, and I'm sure we'll probably have another one of these uh in the future. But thank you, and to all the listeners that are listening, thank you very much for your time. And if you've got any sort of questions or inquiries, you know where to

Final Takeaways and Outro

George Harb 56:27

reach me.

Jody Brooks 56:27

Thanks. Another amazing episode. I think what stands out for me in today's episode is how the silence around when we're struggling intensifies that pain and intensifies that struggle. And if we can be vulnerable enough to ask for help out loud, then that's the first step towards that change and understanding that we're not broken, and that maybe you do need to do a little bit of rewiring, and with that coding that George spoke about, and how interrupting that process, changing that self-talk to a positive self-talk that will take you in a positive direction rather than a negative one. It's certainly something I'll be going away and thinking on this week and being very mindful for any of that imposter syndrome and self-doubt as it creeps up in my world. As always, messy midlifers, remember you're not broken, you're just becoming something you are always destined to be the best version of you. Until next episode, take care. Thank you for spending this time with me on Messy Midlife. If this episode resonated, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who might need to hear it today. You can find the show notes below and more resources at authenticcoaching.me. And just a little gentle reminder Messy Midlife is here for information, reflection and personal growth. It isn't a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, treatment, therapy, or any other professional healthcare support. If you have concerns about your physical or mental health, please reach out to a qualified professional. Until next time, take good care of yourself. And remember, midlife might be messy, but it's not a crisis, it's a calling to connect.